As a recovering pessimist, I’ve been trying to focus more of my energy toward the things I’d like to manifest in my life, as opposed to the things I don’t have. I’m becoming ready to release my furry Eeyore tail to the universe because it’s gotten me stuck in places I’d rather not be. It’s a subtle difference, I suppose, to focus on the things you want and what they mean to you, as opposed to the thousands of things you are lacking. I see the former as desiring things for yourself from a place of worthiness, where the latter is essentially whining or falling into the victim trap -sometimes all too easy to do. And I am Ohhhh-so-very-good at whining. And when I was first diagnosed, boy oh boy was I the victim. And in a sense, that was appropriate. The week of the diagnosis spent in hospitals and doctors offices where they were talking to me about my options for surgery (“We may recommend a hysterectomy as a preventive measure based on how your results come back in the genetic testing, but you can meet with a fertility specialist to discuss your options, and actually we recommend you do that regardless because chemotherapy can affect fertility”) oh, okay- (“We will get you started on chemotherapy as early as next week. You will lose your hair but don’t worry-it grows back! I suggest you go out and get your wig made before so they can match your current hair as closely as possible” –oh, alright, is that all, Doctor Voldemort? Just remove all my lady parts and watch my hair fall out in clumps to top it off? Get a port sewn into my clavicle to flood my body with toxic chemicals that make me feel weak and drained and lifeless and sick to my stomach? Decide RIGHT NOW if I wanna freeze my eggs incase having a family is important to me? Alright, bro, nbd. NOT. It was my own personal hell. Waaaaayyy too much information for my body mind and spirit to process. (And I know it’s wrong to shoot the messenger, but in this situation, I felt a kneeing in Doctor Voldemorts groin would have been both appropriate and reasonable…)
This is unfair. And I needed to experience that anger and devastation and complete despair in the first few weeks following diagnosis in order to come to know that I DO want this crazy, absurd, messed-up, beautiful, wonderful life. (For those of you who aren’t close to me, there was a period where I wasn’t so sure). Yes, this process has been uglier than I’ve wanted it to be so far.
And also: I needed to work through that place of despair, dangling from the edge in order for these little golden nuggets of insight and positivity to begin to emerge. But, as you can imagine, being diagnosed with cancer in your 20’s is not a predictable or stable path emotionally. Everything is moment to moment. Everything. Some moments I’m fine and I’m at peace, some moments I forget I even have cancer (2 seconds max), some moments I feel like I need to cry, most moments I feel like I need to be eating 😂. But I am realizing that my thoughts are a very powerful place for transformation to begin. Louise Hay, author and speaker and healthy-living guru talks about self hatred as simply hating a thought that you have about yourself. WHAM. And your thoughts can be changed. KABOOM. When I first read that I felt like somebody clobbered me upside the head. With several baseball bats. That was a tough one for me to read because it made me realize how accountable I have been for all of the unhappiness in my life. On some very real level, I have been choosing that unhappiness by not caring for myself. How completely insane! Every time I’ve been unhappy in the past (and admittedly sometimes now) it’s always been somebody else’s fault, if you were to ask me -and even if you didn’t ask, I probably would have told you anyway: This person was mean, that person is selfish, this person didn’t deserve the recognition-I DID, DAMMIT.
But this concept of taking responsibility for your life in such an active way, and owning your contribution to your own frustration (as well as your happiness!!) has also been liberating. It’s very easy to point fingers at people that have hurt us and blame them for our bad feelings in the situation. And it’s not always easy or pleasant to channel inward and ask ourselves how we’ve participated in the dynamic of the relationship or situation that is the source of our frustration. This concept has given me the opportunity to really take some personal moral inventory. It’s time for me to dig deep…
Since I am coming to know the power of my own thoughts, I am beginning to focus more of my attention on the things in this life that excite me, move me, make me feel alive. So I thought I’d share a few images of some of my favorite things with you!
Outdoor yoga has become my new favorite solo activity since the weather has started to shift.Delicious and nutritious vegan food and juice makes me feel like I am taking my health into my own hands (actually my moms hands since she’s been doing the cooking) which is empowering to say the least. My. Dog. That FACE.QuinoaaaaaaaaaaaaAvocado banana cacao powder mousse. No sugar. Just that and coconut water and and coconut flakes in a blender.Teaching the little boys yoga…More food..
and more yoga.