Power in vulnerability

Myself, accompanied by Roland Martin in “Sure on this shining night” by Samuel Barber, poetry by James Agee

“Sure on this shining night
Of star made shadows round,
Kindness must watch for me
This side the ground.
The late year lies down the north.
All is healed, all is health.
High summer holds the earth.
Hearts all whole.
Sure on this shining night I weep for wonder wand’ring far
alone
Of shadows on the stars”

–James Agee

Typically I hate singing in English for a few reasons. One, English is not a vowel-friendly language for singing.  We singers spend countless hours learning how to physically modify our vowel shapes (by engaging our lips, closing or opening our mouths, dropping our jaws, and the list goes on) to get optimum resonance and “shimmer” in our sounds, and those modification techniques change depending on 1) what vowel we are singing and 2) where we are range-wise in our voices. (I won’t bore you with the details of “the singers formant” because this would require me to take out my vocal pedagogy and anatomy and physiology text books, and I think they look better collecting dust on my dresser right now, but the basic concept is that all vowel sounds have inherent pitch or frequency. The voice is the only instrument that uses vowel sounds, and that’s what enables us to be heard over gigantic orchestras without amplification. It’s that mysterious glorious “ring” unique to singers). Another reason I hate singing in English is because it’s my native language and I don’t find it aesthetically beautiful. It’s inconsistent. Some words are mellifluous and fluid, but for a whole sentence to sound beautiful and smoothe…. that just doesn’t really happen in English. We also have a lot of ugly diphthongs (and they are especially ugly in Rochester, York, where every sound is manufactured in the nose). Pure vowel sounds are a rarity in the language. I guess I’m a purist. A snooty, English-hating purist. Another reason that I dislike singing in English that I’ve probably never admitted to anyone aside from myself is the fact that it’s more vulnerable, in a world where pretty much everyone knows English.  I don’t like that people know what I’m saying!!!! I’m insane, I’m well aware. I have spent my whole life trying to be “understood”. Except when I’m doing the very thing that I love most… that’s when I feel I need the most protection. Singing is scary! Its vulnerable! But I believe in that vulnerability lies the potential to move people. That level of opening oneself up, and offering something that is so universally human… that level of emotional authenticity-there’s real power in that.

I shared my recording of “Sure on this shining night” with you (and it’s beautiful poetry, in English-yes, I’m half-eating my words) because this is the first english art song I’ve truly gotten intimate with poetically (I’m usually all about the French impressionist stuff, and hardly ever felt compelled to do the in-depth poetic analysis in undergrad even though it was a requirement…), and that enabled me to immerse myself in the beautiful marriage of the notes on the page and my interpretation of the text. It’s not a flawless recording by any means (there are parts where I literally cringe when I hear them) but I have kept it because it was the first real time I truly showed up with my whole self present. And that’s where the power is.

This entry is  a little bit jumbled so I apologize. I’ve got my mind on a lot with surgery in 2 days. But this was therapeutic! Thanks for listening/reading.

 

7 thoughts on “Power in vulnerability

  1. WAIT. Who is this singing? YOU? Oh. Em. Gee. Breathtaking. I am so sorry I missed you today. I would love to catch up. If you are around tomorrow between 11:30 – 2:30, e-mail me or text me to let me know. I am sure you have much to do.
    Sending big love your way.
    Praying hard too.
    You need a great Friday. The BEST Friday.
    xoxo
    Holly

    Like

  2. Your voice is exquisite! I’m also sorry to have missed you today, and as I won’t be at the Coalition tomorrow to extend my wishes in person, I’ll use this opportunity to wish you all the best. You will be in my the thoughts of many, including me, on Friday. May all that positive energy bolster you as you move through this confusing time.

    Like

    1. Thank you so much! I appreciate all of the support from all of you lovely ladies at the coalition. I’m in good spirits about all of this. I know the recovery ahead will be unpleasant at times, but I know deep down that I’m making the right decisions for myself. I hope to see you as soon as I’m feeling up to getting out of the house!!

      Like

  3. Your voice is gorgeous, just like you. My prayers are with you and for you. I have added your name to many prayer lists because God loves you and He is the only one that can make you better. Love you, Aunt Sandy

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s