Last nights outdoor yoga session with a few friends was exactly what I needed. This was one of the last times I’ll be able to do yoga for a while, so I wanted to have a meditative and intimate experience, and it was exactly that.
I am nervous about the surgery today. It’s considered a “major surgery”, which is terrifying. So is the name of my procedure. Modified radical bilateral mastectomy. The “radical” part is what’s scary. But actually that just means they’re taking out the cancer from the breast and the involved lymph node(s)… Which is a good thing. So maybe I’ll just have to picture a hippie California surfer man saying “radical, duuuuuuude” and then I will feel more at ease with the verbiage.
Because I’m a worrier, I have a fear that I won’t make it off the operating table. I know the chances of that are extremely low, especially because I am young and healthy, my heart is great, so is my blood pressure-basically without the cancer, I’m in tip-top shape. I’m vegan. 60% of what I eat is raw. I feel strong. I can imagine that I’m walking into today’s procedure in better overall health than most in my shoes.
I also know in my gut that that fear is there to remind me of how much I love this life. I love it more now post diagnosis than I ever did before. Everything tastes sweeter. And the despair and pain I felt initially in all of this craziness was actually a very real wake up call to me. Because the darkness helped me come to know my desire for life, my own inner light.
The life of my breasts might be close to over, but my life is just beginning. And I have so much life to live and even more love to share.
Oh, and also:
I have nothing but positivity with me today. And I’m bringing grandmas angel ornament with me into surgery! (thanks Michael)
In 24 hours, I will be drugged up and cancer free!
Thank you to everyone for your support. I appreciate it more than you know.