I upped my tamoxifen dose because I was tolerating the low dose rather well, aside from extensive hot flashes and night sweats. I read somewhere that women who experience these side effects tend to have lower recurrence rates, so even though I’m not a huge fan of sweating my ass off, I’d take a little sweat to the alternative any day.
The tamoxifen has also made me extremely moody. Moodier than I already am. And if you can’t tell from my previous posts, emotions pretty much run my world, and emotions are particularly intense right now. Even before the tamoxifen, the diagnosis alone made me feel a bit bi-polar. Sometimes I actually wonder if bi-polar is something worth investigating for me, particularly because I know there’s family history on my dads side, and because anti-depressants never really did much for me in the past, aside from make me zombie like. Something to think about. But I do think this situation would make any person swing violently back and forth between hope and despair. Adding tamoxifen to the mix has made the despair side particularly intense for me these last couple of days, but being able to step back and observe this in myself, and acknowledge that it’s likely drug-related has made it a bit easier. It’s the remembering to exercise my “observer muscle”, as opposed to getting lost in my overwhelming thoughts and hopping on the anxiety train that is the challenge. The anxiety train appears to want to run me into the ground. The fact that I’m working hard at just existing is proof to myself that even through the struggles, I’m still hopeful. Even when I want to roll over and give up, there’s something in me that keeps waking up every day and doing this “life” thing. I might not be smiling, but I’m here.
Thank god for running. I don’t know why it took me so long to get into it, but I’m thankful I discovered it. I run every day now. And it ALWAYS makes me feel better. So on days when I’m feeling particularly rotten, I’ll rack up around 7-8 miles, but most days I’m running between 3 and 5. I’m thankful for what my body can do. Despite its act of betrayal and confusion, this body is still a miracle. I am thankful for what it does for me.
After my 4.6 mile run today! Feelin sweaty and good. I’m officially back in the 120’s again, weight-wise. Hoping it stays that way-I know some women report weight gain on tamoxifen. I think the running along with my constant green leafy veggie consumption should keep me fit and healthy, though.
Just sharing a picture of my dog Riley, the contortionist. My dog is truly my best friend. She’s my running partner. When I cry, she comes over to me and licks my tears away. When I’m happy, she wants to play. When I sing, she barks-and I’m choosing to believe that that’s because she wants to join me in song, not because she thinks I sound bad. When I’m mad, she puts herself in her kennel, which just breaks my heart because she internalizes my anger-so perceptive! So usually when I notice she’s in the kennel donning her “sad eyes”, I have to stop being angry and comfort her, and that actually helps me. She is so beyond perfect. She might not be the smartest dog, but holy crap is she loveable.
So, in summary:
I am thankful for modern medicine.
I am thankful for my side effects because of what they imply.
I am thankful for my body.
I am thankful for my dog.
Also… I am beyond thankful for my mom.
That is all.