Jean Paul Sartre was right. Hell is other people.
I woke up today and immediately wanted to punch things. So obviously the day was off to a good start.
I had 2 appointments on deck: neurological mind-body balancing, and mistletoe injection number 2 at my integrative md’s office where I was to prove to my doctor that I could administer the injection to myself after my tutorial injection on Wednesday. (Here’s some info on mistletoe from Johns Hopkins website…. Interesting article)http://hub.jhu.edu/magazine/2014/spring/mistletoe-therapy-cancer/
Last night I made frozen “treats” for my doctor and the people who I’ve gotten to know through the vitamin c infusions. I made chocolate with raw cacao powder, coconut oil, cinnamon, agave, and vanilla extract. And then I dipped banana slices in the chocolate, and also made “blobs” of chocolate covered sunflower seeds and chocolate covered coconut flakes and stuck them all in the freezer. One of my favorite treats when I’m feeling like I want something that isn’t a green leaf. So this morning I was rushing around trying to find a way to keep the frozen treats cold because they would be sitting in my car while I was in my first appointment. I packed one of those insulated hot/cold bags with a bunch of ice packs and frozen juice boxes, put the treats in a glass Pyrex container and hoped for the best, and got in my car, happy that I was running about 15 minutes early for once in my life. I even had the idea that I might actually have time to stop at loris natural foods to get myself a salad since I neglected to eat a substantial breakfast.
Except about 10 minutes into the drive I realized that I left my mistletoe ampules in the refrigerator, and since that appointment was directly after my first appointment, I had to turn around. So I grabbed my mistletoe and rushed out the door, realizing that I’d likely be about 11 minutes late, you know, my usual timing.
I’ll talk about the neuro mind-body balancing appointments in another post because there’s a lot of interesting stuff I’m learning in these sessions-essentially it’s all about finding other ways to release trauma aside from talking about the trauma.. But for now I’m going to fast forward to being in the car on the way to my mistletoe injection, treats in toe, hitting every other red light, and getting stuck behind every possible bus. School bus, RTS bus, magic school bus, etc. Growing angrier by the second. So what should have been a 7 minute drive from East Ave to Pittsford took like 18 minutes. COOL.
So I get there, and I’m running with my big ass tote bag of treats, and I see one of my vitamin c iv buddies in her infusion chair. I offer her a treat, and she says, somewhat disappointedly “oh, it’s dark chocolate…”
And THAT set me off. YES it’s dark chocolate. So sorry. Because MILK chocolate has HORMONES which are not ideal for people with CANCER (or anyone). So sorry to disappoint. I was just trying to bring some cheer to the office, apparently I failed. (Did I mention I upped my tamoxifen dose?) I wasn’t sure if I wanted to scream or cry or eat do all at once.
So then I went back to try to show the nurse that I could do the subcutaneous mistletoe injection myself. Only too bad I couldn’t. First of all, insulin needles are way too fucking small and delicate. Worse than holding a baby. I was shaking and couldn’t figure out how to draw up the liquid without contorting my entire hand in some monkey-witch awkward manner, and I was terrified I was going to drop it. You have to be careful not to hit the needle to the glass when you’re drawing the solution, otherwise you might dull the needle. This is not something I’m cut out for. I don’t have the patience. Also, I was mentally preparing for the self-stabbing, and that part wasn’t going well either. So finally, almost in tears (hello tamoxifen, I see you), I told her, “I’m not doing this. Can you just do it today? There’s no way I’m going to do this today”. She told me to be patient, that I was doing really well, and I’m thinking “yeah okay but just stab me please because I’m not working any longer at this”. So she stabbed me in my belly. And it hurt more than it did on Wednesday. Probably because I was all wound up.
I got in my car muttering every single swear word to myself, gritting my teeth and looking like an angry animal. So naturally, I decided I needed to buy some food.
There are people who, regardless of how good their intentions might be, just annoy the piss out of me. On a good day. And today was not a good day. (Am I the only awful person out there?) I walked into the store and this person came over to me in his usual annoyingly cheerful manner, talking to me about “healing frequencies” and his music-what he talks to me about literally EVERY TIME he sees me.
He walked away after that conversation and I thought I was in the clear-I was in no mood to interact with other humans, since that didn’t seem to be going so well today. But then he came back over to tell me more about his healing frequencies (probably doesn’t know he’s talking to a music major and I was in no mood to really converse about the healing power of music at the “cellular level”-yes I believe in the power of music, I don’t believe in people talking about things that they clearly don’t really understand… Or maybe he does and I’m just an asshole, but I’m gunna go with, no. Mostly because he doesn’t use musical terminology correctly…) and then tells me “hey guess what? You’re wonderful!!!” with his hands on my shoulders (please don’t fucking touch me) and “have a blessed day!!!!” (this also happens every time I see him). Today, I was NOT in the mood. First of all, the touching thing needs to stop. (And yet every time it happens, I find myself unable to say “yo, stop touching me bro”, and I don’t know why, it’s like I’m more worried about offending him than taking care of MY needs… Which in this case is to not be touched.. I have to work on that). And then he pops back over one more time to tell me that some of the other workers were there so I could go say hi. And I just said “okay thanks”, took my food, got in line, and left.
His seemingly incessant “popping over” reminded me of the game of whack-a-mole. I wanted the hammer.
So then I came home and I sulked for a while because I really didn’t even know what I was mad about. I numbed out with an episode of narcos, drank some green tea, obsessed over my droopy eye/forehead scar. And then decided “this is stupid and I hate everything today”, so I put on my running clothes and I went for a run in the rain. I passed a dead raccoon and nearly started crying. His insides were on the outside, but his face looked peaceful and I wondered how this was possible. (Okay, I didn’t nearly start crying, I actually had tears running down my face as I ran past him, and yes, I decided it was a him, though it could have been female… ). Today is just one of those days, but I am so thankful I am able to use my legs. I ran 5.18 miles today at an easy 9:22 pace. Running creates some space between me and my problems. And sometimes that’s very necessary. Hoping I wake up not wanting to kick in doors or people’s faces tomorrow.