I am not in a good place these days. I’ve gotten so that I don’t want to leave the house. I’m beyond depressed. I don’t know if it’s the tamoxifen exacerbating my already shitty feelings or what… But I’m definitely not living a life. And I’m losing the desire to, which is scary.
I’m finding it hard to be grateful for anything and I’m experiencing so much self loathing and heaviness-I can feel it in my chest and my abdomen every single day. I wake up on edge and everything just feels so off. I don’t want to leave the house because I’m obsessing over my stupid fucking forehead. I don’t want to see people because I’m afraid they’ll notice my facial asymmetry and my wonky eye/eyebrow. WHY DOES THIS EVEN MATTER TO ME is a question I ask myself a hundred times a day, and I come up short on answers. I know it has a lot to do with the culture we live in. But that seems like a cop out because this feels way too heavy and complex and deeply personal- I just have yet to dissect and unpack everything around it, probably because I find it so overwhelming.
I’m terrified of everything. I don’t know how to help myself when all I want to do is sleep. And I’m encountering a sense of shame like no other right now, and I’m not sure what exactly it’s about, but at least I’ve identified the emotion…. Shame is thick and difficult to work through.
On a more positive note, my friend Mackenzie who I talked about in my last post went for a biopsy on the masses in her lungs today… Turns out they don’t look like breast cancer… Which is actually EXCELLENT news. They believe it’s lymphoma at this point, but won’t know for sure til next week sometime. Lymphoma has a much better prognosis than metastatic breast cancer. YAY LYMPHOMA!! Probably not words one hears together very often…. But in the cancer world where up is down, a secondary cancer is arguably better news than a stage 4 recurrence. Unfortunately, this secondary cancer was likely caused by the treatment she underwent for breast cancer in 2011 and 2012. It’s sad that our methods of treatment can have such devastating effects on the body both short and long term.
I know in my heart of hearts that there is another way. I firmly believe there is a cure for every disease on this planet supplied by the earth. I mean… The breast cancer chemotherapy agent Taxotere was derived from the Yew tree. A PLANT. And so many of our cancers are linked to diet. We’ve gotten so far away from our connection to the earth.
Not knowing what I need is difficult for me. Or maybe I do know exactly what I need (like to get out of my house) and I’m resisting the fuck out of it for whatever reason, which just further entrenches me in my hole of misery.
Praying this passes. Before I decide to flush the fucking tamoxifen down the toilet.