Mackenzie and I had our interview with channel 13’s Ginny Ryan on Wednesday evening. I think it went pretty well, but I definitely felt like I was speaking much more fluidly and articulately when the camera WASN’T on, go figure. I also had no idea where to look because the camera was directly ahead, and Ginny was across from us diagonally, so I’m curious as to how spastic I actually looked between my glances at Ginny, Mackenzie to my right, and the camera. I might as well have been doing some exorcist style neck rolls. After Ginny left, Mackenzie and I both talked about how we literally didn’t remember anything that she asked or how we responded exactly, but we both felt like we were sitting extremely hunched over. Like little trolls. “Cancer trolls”, we joked.
Originally we thought the story was going to air today (Friday), but Ginny emailed me and said they want to do more promoting of the story, so they will be airing it on Wednesday. She also asked me for a clip of myself singing…. So I spent today looking through recordings and cringing at some of the sounds I was making. I sent her a couple of options, but the first two were extremely poor visual quality, and the last one was better quality visually, but not the greatest singing on my part. So I compromised and told her in the last piece, she could use anything from minute 4:18 onward because the stuff before that point was not good. Nice to know I still have a bit of my inner diva 💁🏼😉
Like I said, 4:18 onward. Don’t watch the stuff before that.
I bet if I tried to really sing now I would actually sound like a dying animal. Actually, I know I would because I caught myself singing the other day and it was rough….
Sifting through all of those recordings from this last year made me realize I’ve lost a bit of weight. Probably around 15 lbs or so. I don’t really look the same anymore. It was odd watching these recordings and remembering what my life was like then, before I knew that my body had committed the ultimate act of betrayal… I almost felt myself softening as I was watching. I looked so pure and innocent, and it made me sad. It was an odd experience-remembering what exactly my life was like then, what was important to me (vanity, grad school auditions, getting the fuck out of Rochester, feeling validated by male attention, weed..) …I was watching myself singing and I felt a part of me break today… I had no idea what was about to happen, I looked so innocent… Because in a way, I was. Dare I say that I was feeling a bit of compassion for the girl I was watching (no matter how intensely some of her singing made me cringe…). I think that’s a step in the right direction. I think I might be moving ahead. Even if it’s at a snails pace.