Could use some more prayers

I’m having a really hard time these last couple of days. 

I went to a metastatic support group the other day and didn’t realize how triggering it actually was until I completely fell apart on Friday, and have continued to do so all day today. It was hard to attend my first group when there was mention of someone who used to attend now being on hospice. That’s a harsh reality of the disease I’m facing, and I was not ready at this point in my own personal experience of all of this to be confronted with that. I also don’t think support groups are for me, upon further reflecting.  

This is an isolation unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I have never felt so alone and vulnerable and scared in my life. I keep seeing myself letting go of my willingness to invest in my life and with every round of chemo I lose the energy, both physical and emotional that it requires to just exist. This is excruciating. I don’t recognize myself when I look in the mirror, all I see are scars and my fat and my grotesque looking veiny face. I’m miserable. And so fucking tired of all this. And there’s no end in sight, either. After chemo I’ll have a life of scans and drugs until my options run out. I’m 27 years old, and I keep asking myself “how can this be?”..

Nothing about my life looks normal. No job. No grad school. No hair. No energy. No vitality. Everything that was once true about me and who I thought I was is gone. Just fucking gone. Like it was never there to begin with. 

I feel completely and utterly broken. I’m typing this in tears. 

To my true supports-the people that have come to my house for visits, have called (not texted) to see how I’m doing, have dropped by to try to cheer me up on terrible hard days like today, who have made me feel like I am still important in their lives (and not already dead)-thank you for being here for me. I’m working on finding the strength to carry on for YOU. Because I’m having a hard time doing it for myself. 

I am trying to breathe. Just one breath at a time. Cuz that’s all I can handle anymore. 

Please pray for me, that I might be able to find some peace in this nightmare. I always appreciate prayers. 

14 thoughts on “Could use some more prayers

  1. This disease is so tormenting. It is a soul sucker, a mind fucker and heart breaker! I have been riding this roller coaster for 3 years now and have recently learned, that sometimes we need the really down time, to give ourselves a break. My inner warrior all but disappeared for almost 4 months and it was the worst time! I feel her gaining strength and she is almost ready to take on this devastating cancer again. I pray you find your strength again soon! You are worth the fight!! Hugs and prayers to you xox

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  2. Hi Amy, I came back to check your blog because I had been thinking about you and wanted to see how you’ve been doing. So sorry to hear that times are tough. I don’t have your contact info, but I think you can view my email address when I post something? If you ever need company, I’d love to meet up. Even if we can’t arrange it, I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you!

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  3. Ugh… so sorry, sweetie. The realities of the disease suck. The silver lining is that, though the group member you heard about has entered hospice, she is loved and adored and has left an indelible mark on all of us who know her and love her. She matters. When people fall in love with each other, and one falters, others will talk and express care for that person… and sadness, This is why I follow your blog. I’ve met you and fallen in love with you. YOU matter.

    A bigger silver lining is that you met women like M and A… and are making your own indelible marks. You always have. Indelible, by definition, is something that can never be erased or eliminated. EVER. You once described this journey as a roller coaster ride. That is the perfect description. There will be highs… higher than high… and lows… lower than low. Take us with you! We’ll be in the seat next to you so you don’t have to ride alone. If I have learned nothing else from roller coasters, it’s that the lowest of lows are soon followed by an incline… a path up… if I can just ride it out.

    Sending love to my favorite singer on the planet.
    Holly

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  4. May God, the source of hope, fill you with all joy and peace by means of your faith in him, so that your hope will continue to grow by the power of the Holy Spirit.

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  5. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

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  6. Hey Amy, it’s Brittany Dix (Snyder-from Naz). I’m so incredibly sorry that you are going through this- it makes no sense at all and your words are so poignant and honest. I’m thinking of you and praying for you….I hope that as you take on breath at a time, there is something meaningful for you in it. You have a beautiful soul and you’re fighting the most terrible fight and I just hope you’re surrounded by people that love you and make each moment as good as possible. What else can we all pray for, for you? Please let me know- it’s the least I can do.

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