I’m having a really hard time these last couple of days.
I went to a metastatic support group the other day and didn’t realize how triggering it actually was until I completely fell apart on Friday, and have continued to do so all day today. It was hard to attend my first group when there was mention of someone who used to attend now being on hospice. That’s a harsh reality of the disease I’m facing, and I was not ready at this point in my own personal experience of all of this to be confronted with that. I also don’t think support groups are for me, upon further reflecting.
This is an isolation unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I have never felt so alone and vulnerable and scared in my life. I keep seeing myself letting go of my willingness to invest in my life and with every round of chemo I lose the energy, both physical and emotional that it requires to just exist. This is excruciating. I don’t recognize myself when I look in the mirror, all I see are scars and my fat and my grotesque looking veiny face. I’m miserable. And so fucking tired of all this. And there’s no end in sight, either. After chemo I’ll have a life of scans and drugs until my options run out. I’m 27 years old, and I keep asking myself “how can this be?”..
Nothing about my life looks normal. No job. No grad school. No hair. No energy. No vitality. Everything that was once true about me and who I thought I was is gone. Just fucking gone. Like it was never there to begin with.
I feel completely and utterly broken. I’m typing this in tears.
To my true supports-the people that have come to my house for visits, have called (not texted) to see how I’m doing, have dropped by to try to cheer me up on terrible hard days like today, who have made me feel like I am still important in their lives (and not already dead)-thank you for being here for me. I’m working on finding the strength to carry on for YOU. Because I’m having a hard time doing it for myself.
I am trying to breathe. Just one breath at a time. Cuz that’s all I can handle anymore.
Please pray for me, that I might be able to find some peace in this nightmare. I always appreciate prayers.