Reading material 

I had my palliative care appointment this morning. The doctor was very kind and I really enjoyed talking to him, but it was a really emotionally heavy and intense day. He certified me for medical marijuana, and he was filling out all the bureaucratic bullshit for the state-they really make people jump through hoops for this stuff… but anyway. He was walking me through the paperwork while he did his portion on the computer and he clicked “no” under “terminal cancer” and explained that “the guidelines for terminal diagnosis are expectation to die within 6 months”…. and I’m happy that I’m not terminal by that definition… but I am still so in shock that this is even my life (And the fact that that’s a box to be “checked” as if it’s nothing…). It all hit me in a new way in those moments in his office. I’ve been crying on and off since this morning. My inclination sitting across from him as he “clicked” away was to get excited that I’m not dying in 6 months, and then I realized that I’m getting excited over not dying in 6 months and I just broke down in the middle of Strong. I’ve been crying pretty much all day. I have more to say but I don’t have enough energy to write right now. Instead, I’m sharing an article on metastatic breast cancer, aka stage 4. Well meaning people say things like “this is just a blip in the radar” or ask “when are you done with treatment?”… this article does a nice job of explaining how metastatic breast cancer (breast cancer that has invaded other organs) is different from early stage breast cancer.

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