Fat tears

I have not had a good ugly cry in a while. And I have a feeling it will be happening soon. 

Possibly tonight. 
I am exhausted. Since my diagnosis (2016), I have yet to sleep through a single night (minus nights in the hospital after surgery). I wake up multiple times each night, sometimes from hot flashes, sometimes from terrifying dreams where I am literally startled awake, sometimes just to pee. Most nights upon waking, I make my way to the fridge. I eat blueberries (sometimes a whole pint. I’m not kidding), sometimes some almonds, ocassionally dark chocolate (last night. Oops). And then I go back to bed thinking how terrible it was that I ate at 2 in the morning, and what that most be doing to my IGF-1 levels, and how disgusting I am, and how I’ll always be “fat” because I have no “self control”, and on and on. And at 2 or 3 in the morning, I don’t have the clarity of mind to talk myself down from that place. So then I somehow fall back asleep (though not necessarily quickly),  and wake up the following hour. Sometimes I stay in bed after the initial awakening. Sometimes I get up and go to the living room and try to read. But I hear the cupboards taunting me from the room next door. Some nights I feel so terrible about it all that I just cry. 
The real issue here is…. well, there are several. Let’s start with number 1. 

I need to sleep. 

Sleep is very important. We hear it all the time. It’s the bodies chance to repair and restore. If you’re not sleeping, you’re not repairing or restoring. 

When I wake up during the night, I’m often pissed, shaken, sad (and sometimes actually hungry, but most of the time, not really). So I go to the fridge. Because rather than sit with the feelings, I am looking for a distraction, a diversion. So the impulse to consult the refridgerator makes a lot of sense, but the problem is it leads to regret, self loathing, and SHAME (this is problem number 2). 

Typing this out has been difficult for me because I feel a tremendous amount of shame around my night-eating. I feel shame for the “you have cancer and you’re fucking up your hormone levels so if you die soon it will be all your fault” reason (that’s issue number 3). And shame for the “normal” American female reasons (they might be common/ nearly universal, but they’re not healthy). 

The stuff with food and weight still plagues me. In some ways, it’s comforting to have some things carry over from my previous life. In other ways, I’d rather not deal with the food stuff at all and just eat like a normal human being. 

Since I have not had adequate sleep in year, and since I am on drugs that shut down my ovaries and stop my body from making estrogen, and since I can never have children, and since I statistically may not make it to 30, it is really no wonder that I am a fucking moody wench. 

I forget all of this, probably because I’m adjusting to this new life… 

(But fuck statistics, seriously). 

I need to cry. I can feel heavyness resting on my chest, and that needs to be released. Sometimes, I think it’s okay to throw yourself the pity party, as long as you don’t stay in the party hat too long. (Or eat the cake at 3 am) (whatever that means). 
Edit: or, you could puke in a neighbors driveway (not your own, of course) after a run in 85 degree weather. That’s a release, too. πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ’ͺ🏼

12 thoughts on “Fat tears

  1. It is IMPORTANT to have a pity party! Cry for 5 minutes (okay, longer than that) and then take control. And you have taken control through your running, exploration of ‘what works for you’, etc….The female default is ‘guilt’, and cancer exploits that default, so shed that asap….Amy, you are a beautiful woman, radiating a spirit that we can just soak up and observe. Do what you need to do during the day and night, and accept it…By the way, in terms of sleeping through the night, you are experiencing what most of us do after menopause, and that pretty much sucks. I just give up in the middle of the night and read a book until I’m completely bleary-eyed…Keep the faith. You are fighting the good fight, and carrying us with you….

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    1. Thank you Nancy πŸ’• menopause is SUCH a bitch. And you’re right about our guilt as women. It’s bullshit, and I’m working toward letting it go. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I’d love to see you soon! Email me if there’s ever a time you’re free to grab lunch and talk NOT ABOUT CANCER (okay maybe a little), but about music and what makes life meaningful. Xoxo

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  2. You’re not alone. The insomnia. The night eating. None of it. You are one of many struggling in these areas and more. But you know what? It’s OK. You don’t need to punish yourself. Not for any of it. Sometimes we need the blueberries or the almonds and yes, oh yes, even the chocolate. Think back to a time when you deprived yourself of something you wanted or talked yourself out of some food for whatever reason. It all evens out.

    If you need the cry, have it. It’s OK.
    Eventually, the sleep will come. Even if it’s a nap during the day.

    You are worthy. You are loved. You are enough!

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  3. You are indeed not alone! If only I were eating healthy blueberries and almonds at 2am! A dark chocolate brownie sitting next to the lettuce won out last night around 3am ha ha ha! πŸ˜‰πŸ’—

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  4. To my amazing , insiteful , honest friend, every time I read n reread your blog it saves me the money for therapy. In the mist of all the craziness that is going on in your life, u continue to minister to others. Thru your honesty abt food issues so many of us r saying “oh yeah I have done that n still doing it.” Amy , my heart aches for u. Every time I read abt the serious of your cancer , I just want to scream”it’s not fair.” It isn’t fair nothing abt this is. Amy I can tell by the tone n comments to your blog that u r valued , respected n loved. It’s so obvious . I call u a friend n we have never met. I realize taking care of yourself is a lot of hard. Please know your effort is not going unnoticed. Everyone is benefitting by who u r n the contributions u bring in the lives of others. Please let us know if u need anything. Much love is being sent to u

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  5. As far as I’m concerned, having a pity party now and then during the cancer shit storm and beyond (because the shit storm doesn’t actually end, unless you count dying, which of course, I am not) is perfectly understandable and maybe even necessary. I’ve had more than a few myself. I love Susan’s words. Be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack. You are worthy and lovable no matter what. Yes, no matter what. Thank you for this honest post.

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    1. Thank you for your kindness, support, and encouragement, NancyπŸ’•. Why is it such a struggle to turn the compassion we have for others, inward toward ourselves? I guess it’s not the “why?” that matters. It’s about moving past the “why” and into the “how” of the matter. How can I be a little gentler and a little kinder to myself than I was yesterday? Thank you again for all the encouragement and validation. You rock! ✨

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  6. I write this before my weekly, late-night, self-pity trip to Wegmans. Glad I’m not the only human around here. πŸ™‚

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